Thursday, March 15, 2007

Jesus made me drop my cake!

So I'm reading a "Women's Magazine" - you've seen the type, I'm sure. The covers almost inevitably show a slender woman holding up a pair of oversized jeans with lurid headlines plastered over them "I lost 250 lbs. in 20 minutes and so can YOU!!!" - but once one actually goes in to look at the magazine, one realizes that it's a melange of the absurd:

Page 1-5, How to clean your house in 10 minutes without breaking a sweat
Page 6-8, My diet and why it works.
Page 9 The world's most decadent Quadruple Chocolate Cake Recipe
Page 10-12 My husband, the man of my dreams (BARF!!!)
Page 19-36 Creme Puffs, Boston Creme Pie and Eclairs in a jiffy!!!
Page 37-42 Filet Mignon on a budget

Anyhow - sometimes I like to read them, just to try and get in touch with my (PUKE) Feminine Side.

This one had the obligatory "watch me fit in one leg of my former jeans" photo on the front, so I figured there must be some awesome recipies inside. I do, however, force myself to read the amazing diet stories, because otherwise it would be more of a wasteful expense than I care to admit.

Now, this story covered 4 women. 3 of them lost large amounts of weight, but over sensible amounts of time - 53 lbs over 18 months, for instance. But one just absolutely amazed me - she claimed to have lost 102 lbs. in just EIGHT MONTHS!!

Fascinating... as Spock would say.

So for lunch today, I read her story. I almost started to cry I was laughing so hard. She gained a few pounds after her baby, so she resorted to Fen-phen. But then she broke down and WEPT because she heard how hard it was on the body and that it could cause heart damage. So she went to her Doctor to get a SAFE weight-loss pill.

Ok... hold the presses. She doesn't really want to WORK to lose her baby-fat, she just wants a miracle drug. Right. Ok. Onward.

Instead of prescribing more drugs for our tubby little missy, the good Dr. sends her to this weight-loss "Workshop". In exceptionally TEENY TINY type, the article mentions that this is a "Faith Based Program". RED FLAG!!! RED FLAG!!!!

She came home from the meeting and went to finish frosting a cake she had baked. She wanted some cake. Oh how she wanted some cake. She'd been looking forward to cake all day, and now, there it was, a lovely, frosted cake...

SHE DROPPED TO HER KNEES... and begged Jesus to help her resist the cake. INSTANTLY she felt better. She KNEW she could resist the temptation. She went to move the cake to a less accessible countertop. As she lifted the cake - she dropped the whole thing on the floor. OH PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!! JESUS MADE ME DROP THE CAKE!!!

I threw up about this time, so I'm not real sure how it ended. I'm seriously thinking of writing to the editor and complaining about fake stories.


Peacechick Mary said...

I laughed and am still laughing. This I have to send to a couple of friends - they will crack up. Thanks Sew!

Peacechick Mary said...

Since I was still chuckling when I sent the friends a link, I decided to post a link on my site. You get the humor award.

BBC said...

"Anyhow - sometimes I like to read them, just to try and get in touch with my (PUKE) Feminine Side."

That was just too funny, thanks for the laugh. He, he, he.

Ah, some people are so weak that they need that Jesus type of crap, never mind that she likely dropped it because she is a klutz.

Now send the recipe for The world's most decadent Quadruple Chocolate Cake Recipe.

I can eat it, and just work off the calories.

Enja said...

I think it should be a bumper sticker, "Jesus made me drop the cake."

Flimsy Sanity said...

Came here via Peacechick Mary. Thanks for a good laugh. Obviously some of the weight she lost was brain mass.

Frederick said...

There's never been a more perfect weight loss device than running after kids. I wonder if she a nanny or a maid or something, that would just top the story off...

BBC said...

Hey hon

Would you just kick the cake out of the way

And do a new post? :-)

The Future Was Yesterday said...

I have taken the liberty of printing this out, and mailing a hard copy to every Jesus Freak member of my family, who also fights the "plumps", along with a personal note: "Drop that cake, assholes!!"

I needed this. I needed to laugh until I choked, cried, coughed....God, but I needed this!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

betmo said...

omg! i almost spit my toast out! and jesus had nothing to do with that! (i do the same thing with magazines in the grocery store checkout- so this was even funnier!)

Worried said...

I think that a mistake people make is saddling that poor dude from Galilee with all their manufactured "religious" beliefs. In turn, the anti-Jesus-freak protestors fall in line and do the same thing.

It seems to me that a great many of the religious know little about the man they supposedly follow and in whose name they perpetuate some of their foolishness. The appellation "Christ-ian" means a "follower of Christ", NOT following some man-made dogma of self-proclaimed so-called ministers of the Lord and pastors of the flocks. They would do well to go back to the actual teachings of the Christ, who basically taught love, loving kindness, forgiveness, and how mankind could live in peace and harmony, instead of relying on some dork's "interpretations".

For crying out loud, people. What did he ever do to you? If he was in a grave he'd be spinning like a top at what's being done in his name.

Making her drop her cake, my a**!

Sewmouse said...

A friend of mine calls it "self-delusion", Worried.

She refuses to take personal responsibility for her actions - both those of over-eating, and those of resisting the urge to overeat.

She needs a "crutch" - and that is what her "religion" is to her - a crutch. And that's what I find so pathetically ridiculous. The fool dropped her stupid cake - take responsibility for it, clean it up and move on.

Fuzzylogic said...

Came via TUA,this is one priceless post,really enjoyed it!