Friday, May 20, 2005


Believing is so many things. Believing is at the core of all relationships - the belief that someone else loves you or hates you - the belief that someone else is loveable or despicable.

How is it that one good friend sees a woman as a goddess, a dream, a fantasy beyond imagining - and I see her as a manipulative, conniving, greedy and grasping succubus who will destroy him?

How is it that another friend tells me that I have talents I never dreamed existed - and yet refuses to accompany me to participate in the very exercises that would bring those talents to light?

How is it that someone can tell me he loves me, can't stand to be apart from me - then seems to have reason after reason after reason why we can't do things together? How exactly am I supposed to foster "belief" in this "love"? Right now, I hurt like hell over this.

I got a ration the other morning from someone for not having "faith" in them. I think I am quickly losing faith in anything and everything. How can there be faith when there is no proof? This was always my problem as an xtian - and it continues now. Why is it that I'm expected to bare those secret places, secret thoughts, private sanctuaries to others - only to deal with ridicule and harassment, on the rare, off-chance that there MIGHT be something to come of it?

Hot flashes, chest pains and a headache - and depression. Happy Friday.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Ahhhhh - zzzzzzzz

The joy of a new mattress!

For years I've joked about the "dent" in the old one, and my friends thought it was just a joke. Guess what guys? No joke. Tuesday the delivery guys came by and hauled away that sorry excuse for a sleeping surface and left in it's place a lovely, new, exceptionally TALL mattress.

This thing is at least 6 to 8 inches thicker than the old one. Feels like I'd need a ladder to get into bed now. But once there... oh my my my!

So comfortable. The first night was rough - sleeping in a new place always is for me - but last night I was like a rock. Were it not for that ingrained inner alarm clock, I'd still be there snoozing, and it's after 10:00 a.m. now.

If my boss is right, and sleep deprivation is part of why I feel like crap most days - it will be interesting to find out what it feels like to NOT feel like crap.

I may like that.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Starting Points

Where does one begin in babbling out one's inner thoughts to the universe? So many things run through my mind, but they're all so jumbled up sometimes.

Everyone talks to me. It's hard for me to talk. So many have trusted me with their deep-dark selves, and I can't betray those trusts - so it feels as if I walk around with the world sometimes. But I wouldn't ever want to NOT be available for my friends.

Yesterday a co-worker made a smartass remark about how I let one of my internet buddies wake me up with an IM program at 3:00 a.m. Essentially she said that if anyone woke her up at 3:00 a.m., she'd tell them to go to hell. Nice little christian that she is....

See - the friend in question is having one of the hardest times of his life - going through pre-divorce trauma and some serious depression issues associated with it. I've been there. I've done that. I know how you can't guarantee that the worst of the depression isn't going to hit except during "normal socializing hours". How can I NOT be there for him - when so many were "there" for me when it was my turn?

It's things like that - that cause me to have renounced "xtianity". I can't reconcile what I see from it's followers, and what I have read in the bible - not with each other, and not with what I know as fact.

No doubt my brother will expect me to go to hell.
At least it will be warm.