Friday, March 24, 2006


Isn't it funny how the world expands and contracts around one?

Yesterday I was a "citizen of the world" - concerned about the political situation in my country and the effects of foreign policy on the world.

Today my mother is dying.

My mother will not live to see her next wedding anniversary. 56 years it would be.
She won't live to see another April. My mother is dying.

My world has contracted. All I can think about is my pathetically dysfunctional family and that my mother is dying.

Well, Paul - you're getting your wish. My mother is dying. It's what you wanted. It's what you told me you would "pray" for, when she went into the nursing home.

I hope you're happy, Paul. I'm not. I'm heartbroken, breaking, suffering, falling apart at the seams, crying. My mother is dying.

And I don't know if I'll ever see her again. Depending on what Dad decides to do, I may not. And Dad's decisions will be based in part on what You, Paul, talk him into doing. You wished my mother dead - you're getting your wish.

Mommy. Oh god... Mommmy......


Kal said...

Oh honey *hug*

ZW said...


amanda said...

ok, as i read on, 5 more seconds of silence oath breaking.
i just cant believe that you would be so selfish as to wish 1 more day of suffering on her part just becuse you can't accept that it is her time to leave this earth. the woman was ""living" strapped to her bed, body decaying and all you can think about is how you feel. she was my grandmother, i loved her so very much, but i loved her and didn't want her to live like that, so did grandpa, and "st. paul."
your self absorbed perspective on life is the reason i and most of the general public avoid you, and i hope that someday you will recognize this and then and only then can we talk.

Sewmouse said...

You make a lot of assumptions, Amanda - all of them quite mistaken.

The previously written account had nothing to do with Mom being "strapped to her bed, body decaying".

What I wished for my mother, since I knew she could not return to her pre-alzheimer's state, was that she could find comfort and happiness in the secure home where she had been living - Altira home. My father tells me that she was, for the most part, quite happy there - wandering around, talking with others, watching television and witnessing to her faith in God.

She was not strapped to any bed or chair, she was not restrained other than that she was not allowed to leave the home unescorted.

THAT was what I wished for my mother - a long, happy, healthy life, even if she had no idea who any of us were, or even who she was. If she were happy and healthy, that was what mattered to me.

I have no idea what my brother has told you - but since you refuse to communicate with me directly, I cannot explain it to you in more clarity.

For her sake, I am glad she went quietly, peacefully and without pain, and without suffering for any length of time.

I don't know who has told you otherwise, Amanda - but you seem to have formed an opinion of me based upon something other than the truth.

As for the "Perspective" of this blog - I'm really sorry that you find it unacceptable that MY PERSONAL Blog isn't to your taste. The reason this blog is "self absorbed" is that it was begun for me to sort out my own thoughts. The fact that some of my friends have asked to read it is nice. When they comment on it, I appreciate it.

Zombie Woof said...

Ya know what Amanda... I got kids about your age. They think they know it all too. They don't bother getting the facts or sorting thru the half truths and the fictions and the blind leads they just assume the TRUTH has been handed them by word of God. I used to be that way too. Here's a wake up call for you, by the time you figure it out on your own that you got your head up your ass, it'll be too late.

Kal said...

Sew, hugs and quiet love always.

Amanda, I don't know you, I perhaps have no right to comment on your words and maybe you're distressed at your grandmother's death; sadly, I don't think this is the case.

A post about a death in your family, however, is no place for your ugly words. You've obviously made an oath previously, and it strikes me that that oath should be kept.

Leandra said...

When I read the hate-filled, self-centered word aimed at a daughter grieving for the loss of her mother, I remember another time when this rush to judgement was just as wrong.

Some time ago Sewmouse called me in a panic. She was getting weird phone calls that at the time she believed to be from her daughter. She was beside herself with worry. The phone calls show up on her cell bill so they are not something she actually made up. In the end she contacted her ex husband, Amanda's father, and had him find the girl.

Amanda's reaction? She branded her mother a delusional liar. I was there with her when this was going on. I know she wasn't making it up. I dealt with her pain and her anguish and her worry. I heard about the calls as they happened or minutes later.

Is all that goes on between Sewmouse and her daughter the daughter's fault? Of course not. It takes two to make a relationship just as it takes two to break one. However, having raised a very immature and selfish daughter myself I know that it takes some of them a lot longer than others to grow up.

My daughter is now 40 years old and has matured into a fine woman who is my friend and who I am proud of. We still don't see eye to eye on everything, but we can now agree to disagree rather than fight. Looking back, she has frequently commented on what a pain in the ass she was and how incredibly self-centered, judgemental, and irresponsible.

Amanda seems to be intent on accepting the word of her uncle over that of her mother and not bothering to discover the truth for herself. That's her choice. She also seems peculiarly intent on speaking for others, such as her mother in law, whom I would assume is fully capable of speaking for herself.

In the end this will work itself out or it will not. Now, however, is not the time to be slinging brickbats and twisting other people's words. That's cruel and selfish. Amanda? Your interpretation of what your mother wanted for your grandmother could not be further off. I've talked to her throughout this, and what she says here is what she also said to me and others. It's mean and spiteful to twist her feelings like that at a time like this. Is this your Uncle Paul's interpretation to you of what your mother thinks? It's sure not her thoughts.

Zombie Woof said...

Lea, I remember that incident, a mother worried to death that her only daughter was in a desperate situation, only to be scoffed at. Even tho they were at odds even then Sew was at her wit's end when she thought her flesh and blood was at peril, only to be treated with scorn. Nice. Someday you'll realize you don't get to live in a perfect world and have to play the hand your dealt, you only have one mother and shes done the best she can with what shes got. Not good enough for you? Too Fucking Bad.

Anonymous said...

These are all very harsh words from people who don't know Amanda or the real relationship she and her mother had. Those who really know Amanda, like myself, know that she is not self centered or cruel. Her mother never took the time to see past all the problems that the two of them had to see that. instead of being all dramatic about their problems, she as a parent could have taken the time to really understand who amanda was as a person and made it work. Instead she chose to play pity party and never took the time to fix the dents in their relationship. I was there throughout it all and I know Amanda wasn't the perfect daughter, but to say it was entirely Amanda's fault would be dead wrong. Amanda probably shouldn't said the things she said in this arena, but some of the things she said to this date are true. Joan is self centered and craves the drama and pity she can gain through these situations. She can at times be over emotional and can't always see things clearly at that. I would however like to point out that Amanda did at first believe that those phone calls were true, until she called the numbers that joan had given her off the caller id. none of the story panned out. she could never prove it. she never called amanda in the first place to find out from her own daughter 1st hand. she had her cell phone number. instead she chose to call her husband and her father. trying to create more drama. It's a shame about the two of them. But the bigger shame is the rediculous and harsh comments about a girl none of you know first hand and have no idea about. She is the most generous, kind and supportive person I know. I wouldn't be where I am today without her kind words, selfless giving, and supportive nature. She loved her grandmother more than any of you could know (because you don't know her.) and I for one think that it is cruel and rediculous to assume anything else. " The source of suffering is ignorance of the true nature of persons and things" - The Dalai Lama.

Sewmouse said...

Dear Anonymous

Since you are too much of a coward to post your real name, perhaps I should ignore you. However, I won't, since you've decided to air the dirty laundry of my family in public in this manner.

Amanda CAN be the most loving and caring person, but she is not without faults herself. Many of the issues between us are due to the very similarities between us.

As for those phone calls - since you aren't privy to the actual truth - perhaps you should STFU and MYOB. They happened. I dealt with it poorly. I have apologized repeatedly to Amanda - she has refused to accept and/or acknowledge the apologies. What is done, is done - I cannot change the past.

As for my friends defending me and taking issue with Amanda - well - these people are MY FRIENDS. They have only what Amanda has chosen to display of herself here to make a judgement call. Quite frankly, Dear, I have better things to do with my time than spend it "creating drama" and attempting to seek pity from my friends. Just because you know nothing of my life does not mean that I have none.

In addition - you call me "selfish" - Perhaps you can enlighten me, Oh Dahli Lama - how exactly am I selfish?

Perhaps you believe me financially selfish? Because I did not have the financial means to give Amanda everything her rich friends were able to afford? Because I did not GIVE her things, but expected her to earn them herself? Because I insisted that she pay me back for her car insurance, considering she had sufficient money to purchase elaborate evening gowns and jewelery?

Perhaps before you go slinging shit at me, you should come over and listen to the 100's of messages I get every month on my answering machine - messages from people demanding money from Amanda. People who WILL NOT STOP CALLING - even though I've explained repeatedly that I do not have any means of contacting Amanda.

It is truly unfortunate that I erased the messages from my answering service the night the calls were made. I believe now that I know who made them - and there is nothing I can do to prove or disprove it. Frankly, that is water under the bridge. If Amanda chooses to continue to hold a grudge about that - then there's really dickall I can do about it.

In addition - if there are other "problems" that Amanda would like to discuss - rationally and without screaming - and without interrupting every time I begin to speak - I'm quite open to it.

Your cowardice in posting anonymously speaks volumes about you, Melissa.