Friday, May 20, 2005


Believing is so many things. Believing is at the core of all relationships - the belief that someone else loves you or hates you - the belief that someone else is loveable or despicable.

How is it that one good friend sees a woman as a goddess, a dream, a fantasy beyond imagining - and I see her as a manipulative, conniving, greedy and grasping succubus who will destroy him?

How is it that another friend tells me that I have talents I never dreamed existed - and yet refuses to accompany me to participate in the very exercises that would bring those talents to light?

How is it that someone can tell me he loves me, can't stand to be apart from me - then seems to have reason after reason after reason why we can't do things together? How exactly am I supposed to foster "belief" in this "love"? Right now, I hurt like hell over this.

I got a ration the other morning from someone for not having "faith" in them. I think I am quickly losing faith in anything and everything. How can there be faith when there is no proof? This was always my problem as an xtian - and it continues now. Why is it that I'm expected to bare those secret places, secret thoughts, private sanctuaries to others - only to deal with ridicule and harassment, on the rare, off-chance that there MIGHT be something to come of it?

Hot flashes, chest pains and a headache - and depression. Happy Friday.

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