Wednesday, August 24, 2005

More Deep Thoughts

Woke up this morning with a pain in the gut. Felt like I was just utterly starving. With the latest bit of insight, however, I tried to analyze. I'd had a nice large dinner, there was no real reason for me to have stabbing hunger pangs.

Yet, I was afraid. I cannot find a few things I need, and it's sending waves of panic thru me. I awoke in fear, and that fear was centered in my gut. Hell, I could rub my chest/abdomen and FEEL the pain... Dammit - can it be that my whole life I've THOUGHT that I was hungry, but really was trying to turn off the pains caused by the fear?

This is a lot bigger than I know how to handle.

I slso kind of came to a conclusion that I'm a fucking hell of a lot stronger than I even thought. I've been living with this for at LEAST 44 years. I've done some reading about anxiety and panic attacks and have read some blog/message forums by people who have it (diagnosed). Some of them have had only a few years, and yet are on the verge of total mental collapse. Many of them are agorophobic (sp?), unable to even leave home to get help.

I had the strength and determination to leave Terry. I had the strength and determination to quit smoking. Where can I go to find the determination and strength to beat through this?

Dammit... I am afraid.

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