Someone has been hassling me. Giving me the old "You only see the glass 1/2 empty" bullshit. Claiming my life is all about negativity. All my life, from Mom to my boss, everyone jumps on this fucking bandwagon. Why does nobody understand, it's not anger, it's not negativity? It's all about fear.
They say that cornered wild animals have a "fight or flight" response, an innate, instinctual response to fear stimulus. Do you run, or do you fight? What if you can do neither?
So frightened, so long. I remember a few, a very few, times when it wasn't like this. Kindergarten in the basement of the church, before we moved to the scarey big school with all the big kids.... Baking with Grandma....
But mostly what I remember is fear. Fear of not being "good enough". Fear of disappointing the parents. Fear of saying the wrong thing and being laughed at, or being given a ration of shit from an adult. Fear of having a teacher reprimand me, or even worse, bring attention to me.
I remember fear every time I brought home the report card. Fear whenever I did something "naughty" - and often when I had not. Scared of God - of Jesus and his retribution to sinners. Scared of Hell, and the fire/brimstone/wailing/gnashing of teeth of Revelation's end-times. Scared even now when I've renounced Christianity due to it's hypocritical teachings.
I remember being terrified of store clerks. Of having almost panic attacks from having to ask for help finding something. Better to leave without than to be ridiculed and thought stupid for having asked such an obvious question. Even now I am afraid to ask - but force myself to be jocular and over-compensatorily cheerful.
How is this learned? This innate fear? Babies aren't born with it. Babies are supremely confident that all they need do is smile or wail and the world will bring them whatever they desire. Maybe the months in the orphanage started things?
I remember being hideously, painfully shy. So's my dad, but you really have to know him to know it. Can it be that the fear from him produced pheromones that my infant/toddler/child self picked up on and learned this behavior from?
If my boss calls me into his office, I have a panic attack. I just "Know" that I'm about to be chewed out or fired. I'm so afraid I can barely walk, but I grab a pad and pen (to keep my hands from shaking) and go in.
It's getting worse.
Dammit, I need to find someplace - someone - to help. I don't have a clue who/where.
I think I've figured out my heart problems, however. The technicians could not find any pathological reason for my irregular heartbeat, high blood pressure and enlarged heart. I think I know. I think the constant, grinding, insatiable anxiety produces a damn-near constant "fight or flight" response... and it's killing me.
I don't know where to go.
I am afraid.