Thursday, July 10, 2008

"Courtesy" calls

I hate telemarketers. I despise ANYONE who telephones me whom I do not know. I want them ALL to die in a fire.

I hate collections calls (both making them and getting them!), but at least I understand them. Now, I'm not complaining about my Dr's office that gives me a Courtesy Call to let me know I have a Dr. appointment (since it's usually 3 months between appts, and I have the attention span of a gnat and a memory like a steel seive)

What I am ranting on right now is these so-called "Courtesy Calls" from vendors. My mortgage company was the first and worst.

Me: Hello?

ST(Stupid Twat): Hi, I'm calling from Sewmouse's Mortgage Company, is Ms. Sewmouse available?

Me: This is Sewmouse, is there a problem with my mortgage?

ST: Before I can tell you anything, I have to verify that you are, in fact, Ms. Sewmouse - I'll need you to answer these Very Personal Questions.

Me: Look, your phone number comes up in my caller ID as "Unavailable" - YOU called ME - I think that it is imperative that YOU prove to me who YOU are, before I give you my Very Personal Answers. Now - IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH MY MORTGAGE?

ST: I'm sorry, but until you answer these Very Personal Questions, I cannot answer that. Here is a telephone number you can call to verify that I am calling from Sewmouse's Mortgage Company.

Me: How the fuck do I know this isn't some phishing scam and this phone number belongs to Nat Pagle* who will CLAIM to be Sewmouse's Mortgage Company just to get my Very Private Answers???

The last 6 exchanges continue in the same vein for about 5 minutes... then
ST: (Hangs up on me)

The next morning I called my mortgage company direct (from the phone number on my little mortgage-payment-slips). The very polite lady there told me there was nothing wrong with my mortgage, but that it had been a "courtesy call" to let me know my payment was due in a few days. I asked her to name me ONE PERSON who would have considered that call to have been "Courteous". She failed.

Yesterday a ROBOT PHONE VOICE called our office to ask us to return their call to Federal Express - the COLLECTIONS division - and to MAKE SURE WE HAD OUR ACCOUNT NUMBER READY. Excuse me??????? Do I REALLY look like the type of person who can be pushed around by a disembodied robot phone voice????

Not to mention the fact that with more than one location, and several FedEx services, we have a number of Fedex account numbers. Would have been nice if the dipshit phone voice had indicated WHICH ONE.

So, in an effort to be obnoxious back, I returned the call to the Fedex Revenue Dept - and began dealing with what STARTED OUT as a snotty little collections agent. Of course, I quickly took the upper hand by demanding that he tell ME what account number concerned him, as I had several and really had no time to deal with this nonsense. SLCA lost a bit of his bluster.

Oh - then he wanted my phone number. Well, I can TRY to do that, although we DO have a 12-number hunt-group, so if it's not the main number, we're SOL. About this time SLCA started to become almost human. "Oh, here it is - this was just a COURTESY CALL - to let you know your Fedex bill is a little overdue"

So I told him that there was nothing at all "COURTEOUS" about having a robot telephone voice call - in fact it was downright RUDE - and that if they couldn't manage the COURTESY of having an actual PERSON make the call, then I usually do not bother to return them.

He hung up on me too. How COURTEOUS is that?

*WoW players will probably get the reference.

193 days


John Good said...

My wife USED TO wonder why I never answer the phone. . .

Croila said...

AAAAAAARGGGGGHHH!! Reading this post just my blood pressure jump through the roof.

This business of a mortgage company/bank etc phoning you? I get that too. I HATE IT! That's a brilliant response you gave though, the "how the fuck do I know this isn't a phishing scam" thing. I'm definitely going to try that the next time. I mean, I've always kind of wondered if it was legit, but next time I'm going to get downright bolshy! Thank you for the inspiration Sewmouse :-)

Emily T said...

Just found your blog through a comment you made on The Paramedic's Diary.

I hate telemarketers too! Don't get so many of the ones from companies I have dealings with but did get a few of the double glazing or new kitchen ones until we put ourselves on the Telephone Preference Service list. Now we take glee in mentioning "TPS" to them and giggle as they whimper before hanging up.

And as a WoW player, yep I did get the Nat Pagle reference ;)