Rebellion

I am angry. I am angry and I don't give a shit. Ok, I'll take your fucking pills, and I'll prick my goddamn fingers and smear blood on little tabs of paper - but goddamn it, I'm gonna eat Godiva Double Chocolate Cheesecake too.

Fuck this disease. Fuck this life. Fuck this bullshit. I am who I am - and I don't need some neophyte Dr. trying to tell me what, how or when to eat. Fuck this shit.

Fuck the notion of eating only bland, disgusting fish or oatmeal.

Fuck it.

Fuck life.

Doctors

So tonite I go to the Dr. I thought it was yesterday, but I was WRONG!! *shrug*

Anyhow - in the midst of all that is going on, one of my cats seems to have fallen ill. She's always been such a fussbudget about keeping herself groomed, but there is a spot on her back - directly above her rear feet - that is matted and sticky and looks as if someone had gotten a lollypop stuck in it then pulled it off.

(No, the catly ones do NOT go out of the house - so no little rug-rats to threaten with lollies)

So I will most likely need to take Kili to the vet. This will be strange, taking only the ONE cat in. Mindi and Kili have been together since... well, heck since BEFORE birth - they were litter-mates. I'm not sure what Mindi will do if something bad happens to Kili. Probably become even MORE of a clingy, snuggly, annoying little putz than she already is. (Love her to death, but when it's 98 degrees outside, I don't really want to have a hot furry cat in my lap!)

When Dad called the other night, he told me he wants me to help him pick out wallpaper for the kitchen when I go down there. *grin* That sounds like fun. I need to get the car AC fixed first, however. ANFW I am gonna drive to Florida without AC. Did it once, but I was much younger and stupider then.

Ok - off to make my "bitch list" for the Dr. tonite. I want to have all my quackers in a row so I can be assertive and firm with him.

I hate Drs.

Gah, I hate being Wrong

But I admit - I was. I thought I had a Dr. appt. this evening. Turns out it is tomorrow. So another day of worry and self-castigating for my sins of ommission, commission, gluttony, sloth, pride and indulgence.

Sucketh to be me, I suppose.

On the brighter side - someone I've owed some money for a couple of years just told me that he's considering the debt paid - although I figured on 3 more payments! This means I can either get the AC fixed, get my car fixed, pay off another debt - or some combination of the above.

I'm ok with that.

GOP Motto: The Buck Stops Over There -->

BLATANTLY stolen from a Yahoo Message Board Posting


It's the liberals. It's the ACLU. It's Clinton. It's Monica. It's the "climate of permissiveness". It's France. It's the liberal media. It's Clinton's p*nis. It's Hillary. It's Gov. Dean. We never could have known they'd fly planes into buildings. "No actionable intelligence". They didn't tell us to do anything. O'Neill's lying. Clarke's lying. General Shinseki's lying. The Union of Concerned Scientists is lying. Our own weapons inspector David Kay's lying. Wilson's lying. John Dean's lying. Newsweek lied! CBS lied! Everyone's lying but us. We had to lie. We never lied.

Plame outed herself. Her husband outed her. The liberals outed her. No one outed her, since everyone already knew her covert identity. Rove had nothing to do with it. No comment. Lib'ral, lib'ral, lib'ral.

It's the libs trying to pull Schiavo's feeding tube. It doesn't matter that DeLay pulled his own dad's feeding tube. "Culture of life". It's Janet Jackson's boobs; it's the Statue of Justice's boobs. Reading the news might cloud my judgement. It's the "decade our government...blinded itself to our enemies". It's the homosexuals wanting to marry. "Restore honor and dignity to the White House". A decision to go to war wasn't a decision to go to war. "No actionable intelligence". It's the pledge of allegiance. They're taking God out of America. Osama didn't tell us when, how, where, and by what means he'd attack, and he didn't leave a forwarding address. The 9/11 panel is biased against us. Saddam = Al Qaida. Saddam = Al Qaida.

Chalabi's an honorable man and I believe everything he says about WMDs. Chalabi's a crook and he passed secrets to Iran. Chalabi's the liberals' fault because they didn't shoot us when we started using his "intelligence". Chalabi? I don't know any 'Chalabi'!

It's just a few dead-enders. They'll be gone when we capture Saddam. They'll be gone when we capture Saddam's sons. They'll be gone when we hand over "sovereignty". They'll be gone when Iraq has elections. They'll be gone in 12 years. They'll never be gone.

We fight them in London so we don't have to fight them, er, uh, well, can't get fooled again!

Bolton didn't lie! He just knowingly gave incorrect answers under oath.

Aw, so what's another ISLAMIC STATE in the mideast? It's not like Bush has made it a home for terrorists or anything!

No one could have anticipated that a category 5 hurricane aimed directly at New Orleans would have destroyed it! No one could have anticipated that they might need federal assistance quickly! Of course no one's in charge of accepting the generous aid offered by other nations -- isn't that the mayor's responsibility? Being a judging supervisor for the Arabian Horse Association is ample experience to head FEMA! It's the mayor's fault! It's the governor's fault! It's Howard Dean's fault! It's CBS's fault! It's the Monica Crime! Ted Kennedy killed Mary Jo! Libtards killed Terry Schiavo! Wah! Wahhhhhhh!

It's all these former staffers hawking their books. Money never corrupted anyone. "I'm a uniter, not a divider!" It's the stem cells. It's the feminazis, the intellectual elitists, and the ecoterrorists.

It's Cthulhu. It's the martians.

It's anyone but Bush.

Fear and Loathing in Chicago Suburbia

So I get more test results. The results from that retarded test of "Glucose Tolerance" are in, and apparently I'm doomed. I failed the test and some other stupid test they did that measures blood-sugar level over 3 months, even though they only took blood the one day - which sounds suspicious to me.

Fact of the matter is, I'd rather be dead than have diabetes. I'd rather be dead than have to eat nothing but PLAIN oatmeal (can you say "wallpaper paste"?) for the rest of my life and keep sticking myself with pins to check and see if I can eat or if I have to starve more.

I'd rather be dead than trying to stick to a 1500 cal./day diet again, only to fail and feel like an utter failure at life in general. I'd rather be dead than to have them cut off my feet because I got a little cut and didn't realize it and now my feet are destroyed.

I'd rather be dead than to have diabetes.

I'm tired. Sick and fucking tired, of being sick. Of being tired. Of being fucking exhausted. Of being lectured by doctors about how I need to lose weight and exercise - with no suggestions of how to do either one, considering that every fucking diet I go on leaves me weak and starving, concentrating ONLY on food and the clock and when I can get a little tiny bit more to ease the gnawing, growling, aching, pain, starving, misery that is life for a few minutes. Of trying to work out, only to have my back, or my knees, or my heart-rate tell me in no uncertain terms to "SIT DOWN YOU DAMNFOOL IDIOT".

Do these fucking doctors think that I ENJOY being fat and ugly and having heart palpatations and being unable to even go to the mall without pain?

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. I have to go in again on Wednesday - to get my mandatory lecture from the new Dr. about how if I would just lose weight, yadda, yadda, yadda, bleh.

And the worst of it is that I know FOR A FUCKING FACT that my hormones have something vital to do with all this. Maybe not the diabetes, but then, maybe so! I know it. I know what happens with my feet swelling up and unswelling. I know about what happens with my cyclical energy "highs" that are followed up by extreme lows. I KNOW THIS - but not one single fucking doctor will listen to me.

Ok, that's not true. The GYN listened to me. He knew it was hormones. He knew it before he even took blood tests to confirm it. I told him all the symptoms, and he said "It is obvious you have a progesterone deficiency". And he put me on HRT. And for the first time in YEARS, I felt human again. I had energy. I wasn't depressed. My legs weren't swollen. I could THINK and CONCENTRATE... and then I got the fucking blood clots in my leg and lung and they took me off the HRT and now I'm back where I was except even worse.

This DR will get one chance. One opportunity to listen and take me seriously. If he doesn't - then I'll go hunting again. Somewhere there has got to be someone who can balance this all back out again. I can't live like this. I'd rather be dead.

A tribute to John Ashcroft from the Interwebs

In the news today, there was a story about a bunch of Conservatives who had been "Outraged" and "Disgusted" by a picture on the front of a parenting magazine of an obviously happy baby apparently suckling at it's mother's breast.

Now - I don't know if this is true or not. But if so, I am 200% in agreement with the sentiments expressed herein:


On January 28, 2002, Attorney General John Ashcroft, announced that he spent $8000 of taxpayer's money for drapes to cover up the exposed breast of The Spirit of Justice, an 18ft aluminum statue of a woman that stands in the Hall of Justice.

John, John, John,
you've got your priorities all wrong.
While men fly airplanes into skyscrapers,
dive bomb the pentagon,
while they stick explosives into their shoes,
and then book a seat right next to us,
while they hide knives in their luggage,
steal kids on school buses,
take little girls from their beds at night
drive trucks into our state capital buildings,
while our president calls dangerous men all over the world
evildoers and devils,
while we live in the threat of biological warfare
nuclear destruction,
annihilation,
you are out buying yardage
to save Americans
from the appalling
alarming, abominable
aluminum alloy of evil,
that terrible ten foot tin tittie.
You might not be able to find Bin Laden
But you sure as hell found the hooter in the hall of justice.

It's not that we aren't grateful
But while we were begging the women of Afghanistan
to not cover up their faces,
you are begging your staff members to
just cover up that nipple,
to save the American people
from that monstrous metal mammary.
How can we ever thank you?

So, in your office every morning,
in your secret prayer meeting,
while an American woman is sexually assaulted every 6 seconds,
while anthrax floats around the post office,
and settles in the chest of senior citizens,
you've got another chest on your mind.
While American sons arrive home in body bags
and heat seeking missiles,
fly around a foreign country,
looking for any warm body,
you think of another body.
And you pray for the biggest bra in the world John,
because you see that breast on the spirit of justice
in the spirit of your
own inhibited sexuality.
And when we women see
our grandmothers, our mothers, our daughters, our granddaughters,
our sisters, ourselves,
when we women see that
statue the spirit of justice
we see the spirit of strength
the spirit of survival.
While every day
we view innocent bodies dragged out of rubble
and women and children laid out
like thin limp dolls
and baptized into death as collateral damage,
and the hollow eyed Afghani mother's milk has dried
up underneath her burka,
in famine, in shame,
and her children are dead at her breast.

While you look at that breast John,
that jug on the spirit of justice,
and deal with your thoughts of lust,
and sex, and nakedness,
we see it as a testimony motherhood,
And you see it as a tit.

It's not the money it cost.
It's the message you send.
We've got the right to live in freedom.
We got the right to cheat Americans out
of millions of dollars and then
just not want to tell congress about it.
We've got the right
to drop bombs night and day
on a small country that has no army,
no navy, no military at all,
because we've got the right to bear arms
but we just better not even think
about not the right to bare breasts.
So now John, you can be photographed
while you stand there and talk about
guns,and bombs, and poisons,
without the breast appearing over your right shoulder,
without that bodacious bosom bothering you,
and we just wanted to tell you,
in the spirit of justice,
in the spirit of truth,
You have shown us which is the bigger boob!

Heat and Tests

Today is supposed to be horrid again. And tonite - and tomorrow. Tomorrow nite is supposed to be a break.

I know heat. I've lived with it for most of my life. We never had AC as a child until I was well into my 20's - and then only when things became DIRE. I know I can live with just fans, and have done. Honestly, there've only been a few nights of laying drenched in my own sweat and unable to find a cool or dry spot on the bed...

But walking into the sweet, sweet coolness of the office this morning was like entering Heaven. I will curse the cold in a few months - but right now the chill feels lovely.

Saturday I went for the stupid Glucose Tolerance test. For the uninitiated, this is where you are expected to eat nothing for 12 hours or so, then bitten by a vampire who tests your blood and bottles up the rest, then forced to drink a ghastly orangey-flavored syrup (10 ounces!!!) - and then sit bored for 2 hours until the vampire bites you again, taking 2 vials of the precious red stuff.

Whoever thinks up these "tests" has a Machiavellian sense of humor, methinks.

"Ok, Phil - what can we do to make their lives UTTERLY miserable for a few hours?"

Supposed to make a Dr.'s appointment. Meh.

WWIII - Thank you, Tyrant Bush

I read the news today, Oh Boy...

Israel is fighting back - fighting back hard, and while the sentiment in my mind is "Yes - it's time to do something about those who are shelling and attacking your country" - Israel is not planning to do just that. It appears that Israel is looking for their own "Final Solution" - and have forgotten the 1930's and 1940's and how poorly that turned out for the aggressors.

And truthfully - this is all the Tyrant George Bush's fault. Had he not, from the FIRST DAYS of his regime, planned and schemed to destabilize the region by illegally, immorally and ill-advisedly invading Iraq, things would have remained "strained" but not escalated in this manner.

This is the beginning of WWIII - and I fear for the outcome. I fear for those who have loved ones living or vacationing in Lebanon - both Arab and Western. I fear for the Israeli people who are, like myself, powerless to stop a government gone mad.

I fear for the world - because the Tyrant George Bush's eyes are said to have lit up with glee when he learned how to unleash the power of the USA's nuclear arsenal.

I fear for the world - because this isn't about "terrorism" anymore, it's not about land-grabbing in the Middle East - it isn't about oil. Thanks to the Tyrant Bush and his cabalistic evil regime, this is now about Moslems everywhere HATING Americans, just because we are American. Just because we were born here. Regardless of anything else we have or have not done since birth. No matter that I did everything legal in my personal power to thwart the re-election of the Tyrant and his minions.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.

Why don't I feel fine?

Shell Gone? Bob Lives On. Why me?

So I go to get gas last night and the Shell station on the corner has Indiana Religious Icons (orange traffic cones) at all of the pumps - can't get gas at all. WTF? I was gonna get the gas, then get the car washed. I got gas this morning at the Marathon (7 cents/gallon cheaper) but this is worrisome. I will have to check more closely tonight.

Bob, in the meanwhile, lives on in my rearview mirror. This morning again there was yet another attempt at web-building going on, and again I thwarted it, and again he did a bit of bungee jumping. To be perfectly honest, I'm getting a bit bored and annoyed with Bob. However, since the Shell station was nonfunctional last nite, I didn't get the car washed yet, so I haven't been able to powerwash him into a new existance. Soon.

So I call to get my results from the Dr. office. "You have diabetes - go get more tests done".

Now I'm thirsty constantly (was only at night before). I feel lightheaded - I'm afraid to eat anything for fear I'll trigger some insulin event thingy. I'm really depressed and ready to just say FUCK IT ALL - between the heart crap and this and being unable to exercise and stuff. Why do I have to keep going on when going on sucks so much?

*sigh*

BOB LIVES!!!!!!!!

So this morning, I"m on my way in to work and I see something spinning in the wind-wake from my side rear-view mirror again - BOB!!

He tried to spin a web from the top of the window to the mirror and down to the doorframe, but the wind-wake tore most of it apart. After one episode of "bungee jumping" he learned - he crawled back into the mirror housing again.

When I got to work, I disconnected the web from the window and door. While this may seem cruel, I really have no desire to have a pet spider living in my outside door mirror. Sorry folks, I'm just heinous that way.

So sometime tonight I will stop at the gas station that has the carwash and have Bob power-washed out of the mirror housing. Hopefully he will survive and scurry out and spin a web somewhere at the carwash instead of on my car.

Viva Bob!!
Just... Viva somewhere other than my car. Kthksbye