I was reading one of the progressive sites last night. They were very angry about a number of things, and about 1/2 way through I realized that I've been through a sea change. I don't know if it is the "happy pills", or if I've found some sort of zen calmness, but seems as if since Lea died, I am finding myself getting really angry a lot less. Maybe it's "perspective" finally catching up to me. (Or Lea is haunting me.)
There is something addictive about that "rush" of angry adrenaline. Something that makes (this) one keep "poking the bruise" to see if one is still angry about it, and rather satisfying when you realize you still are and it gives you another "jolt" of the angry serum. Satisfying and uncomfortable at the same time. I guess in some way it's vaguely similar to "self harm".
Lately I've made it a point to stay away from what I now consider to be "toxic" websites, forums, and family/friends - ones that trigger my anger, that bring me close to that brink of feeling the bloodrush. I started it by turning OFF the radio any time GWB's voice would start up - or a newscaster made an intro to an audio clip of him speaking. His very voice was enough to send the rage monster stampeding through my veins. Quit visiting some websites that would get me going...
The calmness is soothing and comfortable. Lea - if you are haunting me - thanks.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
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