I have a cold

Not just "a cold"
A wing-ding-dong-dilly of a cold.

I not only know the exact size and shape of every sinus cavity in my head, I also know the precise volume of snot that each will release given a really GOOD blow.

Coughing is a whole new exercise in anti-vomiting techniques. I am the repository of all that is mucus, and precious little else. I am cold - yet when I bundle up, my own body warmth causes outbreaks of the sweats. I cough up a lung.

That little space between the nose and upper lip - right between the two nostrils - has become the epicenter of raw and inflamed tissue.

Dextromethorphan is our friend.
Pseudoephedrine is not - but we sure as hell wish it was.
Guaifenesin really tries, but is not an acceptable substitute.
I have a headache THIS >--------------------------------------< big and it has Excedrine written all over it.

I want to die.
*coughs*