More Funnies from my Dad:

Blatantly stolen from a mass-forwarded e-mail:


Subject: Immaculate Contraption
Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST, KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.
THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

736 days

Ya know those days you should just drive your car into a tree?

This would be one of them.

I don't even want to talk about it.

My blog is back, however. At least that tiny single thing is going right.

It appears I have pissed off the Gods of Google

I can't access my own blog. I can post to it. I can edit posts. I can not, however, actually VIEW it. So this will, doubtless, make anyone who uses one of the "gosh, has she bothered to post lately" engines insane trying to get to what they can't read.

Seethe. Seethe...

It's crazy here right now. Had the auditor in, and he's been in, and gone and now I need to get caught up again.

Long post coming soon, but I need to really consolidate my thoughts before I type it up. Been following the Libby trial some on the Firedoglake site. Fascinating. Maybe Dad is right and I shoulda been a lawyer. I doubt it, though. I don't have the patience to deal with all the little niggly rules and crap.

It is very cold again today, but not QUITE as bad as yesterday - less wind.

I've decided to keep a food diary/bloodsugar/bloodpressure/state of the feet/state of mind/andafewotherthings log in one of my many many many notebooks laying around the house. I'm hoping to find some connection that will expedite getting this stupid so-called-diabetes under control AND at the same time perhaps give some clues into what/why/whatever is causing some other issues. Wouldn't it be nice... da da doo da da....

Ok, back to the salt mine. I WILL get the credit cards done today, I WILL get them done!! I WILL!!!!




738 Days

T'is COLD

Um, Mr. Al Gore Sir?
IT"S FARKING COLD.

And it's making me CRANKY.

(As if I need an excuse!)

So my friend Mike, who has this awesome business where he designs and builds hugongeous competition-quality radio-controlled model (toy.. *duck*) airplanes wants to add a discussion forum-style BBS to his site. With some fancy-schmancy features. One of which is to allow people to post photos there in a one-click method that won't require them to host offsite - just tell the forum post generator "Here, post this picture of my toy airplane" and POOFA!! The picture goes into the post. Not unlike the way we can "POOFA!" pictures into these blogger blogs.

Oh, and he doesn't want it to cost an arm and a leg and several major internal organs. Any ideas/help/links/commisseration will be greatly appreciated.

Check out the "First Church of the Ether" over there by Kvatch who is busily creating epistles for our sacred writings. Or hymns. Or something. Hell, if L. Ron Hubbard can pull off the fake-religion scam, I'm SURE we bloggers can too!!

740 days. ITMFA

I hate Wells Fargo and WaMu

They've both got the same annoying, aggravating, IN FUCKING FURIATING voice-mail system with the most annoying fucking perky bitches for their autofuckingmated "systems" - even to the point of INTERRUPTING "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik" to tell me they "appreciate my call". Goddess, I hate these people. They should all die in a fire.

All I want is the interest and taxes paid last year so I can get my income tax return rolling. I hate to wait. I want to get this OVER WITH.

Please press 1 if you want us to route you into Voice Mail Hell.
Press 2 for Voice Mail Purgatory
Pressio Threeo Por Espanol
Press 4 if you know your loan number, social security number, Mileage Plus number, Dollar amount of your last 27 bank transactions in chronological order, and can guess how many beans are in the jar on Herb's desk.
Press 5 if you just want to listen to our hold muzak and the repetitive oh-so-soothing droning of our salesbitch.
Press 6 if you need to go to the bathroom and want to call us back later
Press 7 for another huge list of options that really won't get you anywhere.
Press 8 if you want us to laugh at your pathetic attempts to get through our voice mail.
Press 9 for the secret codes to level 20 in Zelda
Press 0 to hear these options again and again and again and again and again.
Press * to go back to the previous menu
Press # to hear the complete lyrics of "Alice's Restaurant" in Armenian.

Die.
Just DIE IN A FIRE.

721 Days - ITMFA